A long dark night

So, I am getting away from why I started this blog. Was it for therapy? Yea, that’s it, that’s the ticket. It was for my random mind meanderings. As a way just to get my frustrations out.

Oh, that explains my daily rants. Ok, now we are getting somewhere. I had thought my thinking would have gotten more coherent by now, but obviously it hasn’t. My concentration last about half a second.

I read my original post tonight and realized I have not really made much improvement. If anything I think I have slipped further into the abyss. By that I mean the meds I have taken for this thing I have (Hep C) may have made me worse in some ways. I am still very anxious, can’t sleep. It is now 1:46 am. I have slept about 2 hours and will try soon to get more. George Noory and Art Bell have become my friends.

My Mental self has gone all miss wired. My thinking has not been the same since Nov 25, 1998. That’s the day I went into the hospital for meningitis. I should tell that story sometime, before I forget it. I don’t remember the whole episode anyway. I forced myself to go back to work too soon, and I think it hindered my full recovery. That’s when the anxiety began. Long story short, the Effexor seems to be working, on some days at least. I don’t think I will ever stop trembling.

I will occasionally feel like I want to break out and run off to the mountains and go hiking, but I soon realize I don’t have the Physical capacity to do so. I can only walk a block or so on level ground. Any kind of incline and will immediately start to grow weary, as if my legs can no longer support me. Of course my weight is a part of the problem. Since my transplant (oh, didn’t I mention I had a Liver Transplant in October 2004) I have gained back a lot of weight that I put on just before the transplant. I have not been able to lose any, even though I cut out sugar, salt, and anything that tastes good. L I am finally off the predisone, but even that has not seemed to have any good effect on my weight. Sure it helped when I was gaining, but now that I am off it, I still can’t lose the weight. I feel doomed to be heavy forever unless I can get enough strength to go hiking. But who am I kidding. Walks seem to be out of the question. I go for a walk and I feel like my legs are going to give out from under me.

I am tired all the time, but I can’t sleep. Ahhhh, so that’s why I am here, typing. My therapist and psychiatrist think I should be keeping a daily journal. Well maybe this will be it. I will try to stay away from my conservative rants, but it is hard living in Massachusetts as a conservative, in one of, if not the most liberal states in the country. I also feel very duplicitous because I am now living on disability which a no no to my own right wing beliefs. I am such a hypocrite (see Webster: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings). What’s a person to do?

That’s enough for tonight. I am thirsty and tired and sleepy, maybe I can get some sleep. I’ll take some lorazapam and hope for some relief.